You were the only reason i'd sing, and i'd take your hand and sing u songs, anytime..

This post shall be anchored here, for personal reasons, and for a reminder, that emotions is a dwindling road to travel, should there be any doubt on the subject matter, go on ahead, comment me. Old flames die hard, and this'll die harderst.
Originally posted in July 2008. scroll down to the next post for a more updated entry. thank you


Tonight, i open my emotions for you to read.

____________________________________________________________________

There a not many nights where I have found myself sleepless.

During the worst of things, I would wake up in mid sleep, heart racing, wishing some things are just nightmares I could wake up from.

No,
not this time. This time its just too real.

Defeated, best describes what I am feeling inside.

How else would you feel, when all that you could ever wanted is now out of reach. When you so far have tried within your capacity to reach for it, and you yearn for it so much you could almost taste it, only to have it broken. When you tried for so long, and finally can muster up the courage to stand up, only to be told to sit down without question.
Without even a proper chance.

How should you take it when you have been standing here waiting in queue, only to know that you were never in line in the first place. To find that there is another queue, without your knowledge, that you are only what you have been doing, in queue to nothing.

I have never been the type who has his emotions on his sleeve, readily readable.But if i have to do this to make you realize, then let it be so. I'll try anything.

There has only been few reasons why there is a song in me, a reason for me to sing as horrible my voice may be. There has been a reason why there is an opera inside me. Now, every song I try to sing traces back to this uneasy feeling. You are every tune I hum, every song I sing, there is not doubt there.

Maybe i tried to hard to make people smile, to make you smile. But was I ever wrong in doing so?

If this thing follows on through, as one of my deepest fears, i cannot imagine ever coming over it.
Life is staring me right in the face and is blankly stating:

You have failed miserably, and there is nothing else you can do.


All I ever wanted was to be happy, to be the one who can provide your happiness.

No wind, no clouds, thunder strikes.

Years worth of relationship can end in three words. Three words is apparently all it takes. And those three words, with you and your voice saying it, will haunt me forever.

All i can hope is for a chance, for me to try and make things better. I am ready to care with all my capacity, with all that is human in me. Please, dont let this be a thing of the past for anyone. Please, make this into a future, make this something that is only waiting to happen.

If your qualm is in taking back your word, dont be. I am willing to bear any consequences, blame everything on me. Blame it on me, and take none for you. I will readily take the blame for you.

For once, i am on my knees.

Let me be the reason for your smiles.

Tun M,chan hall

Our respectd chancelor giving a public lecture.talks on National identity and power sharing.it still amazes me hw strng ths man is at his age.hpefully Tun still arnd when i grad nxt year.

I miss, but im not showing. save me superman..

There's too much angst and stuff in last few post..

lets cheer things up a bit here..

_____________________________________________________________________

Things are now starting to pick up pace..after lag and drag, with the brain still not in proper working condition, things are finally starting to make sense around here.

Being the senior on campus feels like....normal.. i thought there would be a sense of pride in being in the final year, making it thru 3 years in 1 piece, but i was wrong..feel like any normal day in sunny Tronoh.;p

owh..the only thing i can feel is,
"fish, i don't want to read no books no more!!"

8 months without worrying about tests and assignments tend to mellow u down abit..

my brain definitely needed thawing..

but hey, its already the fourth week, and there a new light coming in on things..the kinda light that makes u realize some things, and see some that has not been seen before.

FYP is currently under construction, which is always a good thing..
Intelligent Control for Process Control..
yeah2, sounds fancy, but honest to God i have no idea what it meant first i heard of it..;p
got a year to work on it..shudnt be too difficult..kan?...kan?...ke...?

entah..if any control specialist outhere ken help..please comment..;p
__________________________________________________________________

its my pledge, to myself that the final year i have here in Tronoh would be one i would remember best..so, in honor of that pledge, i decided to join any event that is joinable..
the first for this year is the Treasure Hunt Competition.
ok, joined this way back in first year...din win zilch..well, we did win a mug thru a lucky draw..but that doesnt count..
this time round however, we made it top ten!
no. 8..
not something great its just something worth remembering for the years to come.
enuf words. just c pikas..














Team Ethnies, in a moving bipolar junction transistor..hahaha (EE ppl will smile ;p)




















sesi meniru jawapan berjemaah...anything for a win huh ladies?














smile people~





















their faces says it all..."we have never seen a tractor before!"















lastik championship. i sucked..(-_-")















team 40. nice work ladies and gentleman
















menang laa samting at the very least..huhuh


someting nice happens once in a while.huhu...pray for more to come..

__________________________________________________________________

i wonder...how superman lives his life..

i mean, he calls to people's aid, flying in with the speed of sound anytime of the day....

people always remember him in times of need..but when nobody is in trouble..he's not called on..

i mean, dont ppl invite him over for tea or samting?

unrealistic, i noe..but i do wonder..do the people of metropolis ever invites him round for dinner or a spot of tea with crumpets?

remembered when needed, forgotten when away.




if ure up there superman..i feel for u.

________________________________________________________________

any grammar freaks out there. i noe there are some major err up there..turn a blind eye towards it..its 6 frickin a.m....and i need sleep..

cheers.

I wondered, who came across your mind when u decided. Was it you, was it me. Its apparent it was never us.

There has always been an issue, in trust.

When we trust, we put all doubts on hold, and as wrong as it may feel, we prolong and persevere, because in trust we believe.

Trust is what makes people mix with each other and days go on.Its in trust, we nurture hope.

I trust that this bank will keep my money safe, so i invest.

I trust that there you will be there when i caome, so i shall go on a date with u.

I trust that you wont kill me, so i shall walk with u.

Its in this moral fiber, that we are able to coinhibit with one another, in peace, and happily.
It is in with this moral fiber, that we,man and women alike, are able to put our lives in the hands of others.

In trust, we trust.

So, what happens when this virtue, this piece of human emotion, is not upheld?

People break apart. Institutions collapse,dissapoinment and sense of deficieny arises. And we trust no more.

How can you have betrayed my trust.

It can take years to build, but only moments to shatter.Once shattered, it remains as it is, fragments of a distant memory, of what we once had hope in.

The question is now, how do you react to having trust destroyed?
rise up, and try to build it again?
or build it elsewhere.

memories of what was will pull us toward building another castle to in place of that which has rubbled. But is it really worth it. Are we that forgiving of a person to let bygone be bygone, and take it in stride that some have stabbed you, knowingly.

Those distant memories now seem scenic. And you'd have to wonder, how much of it were actually honest, sincere.

And we prayed for sincerity, and I have been sincere in all my actions.


I write with partial angst, and my view may have been obscured by the wave of my only human emotions.

Tried to see with eyes unclouded, and failed.


For those who have others trust entrusted, keep them well. Be honored, people have faith in you.

For those who have their trust belittled, you are not alone.

And for those who have chosen to betray trust, I have no words to say other than, im sorry you had to make that choice.

________________________________________________________________

We try to forgive, but we can never forget. As do most elephants. -o0-

"And now i know, when I felt missing, u felt nothing. And i used to wonder why angels like you had enemies."

6 am, friday..

i think im up for a quick type..very quick

no, im not reviving this space fully yet..but i feel that I have too much canned up inside to sleep.

_____________________________________________________________________

its amazing how some things can sometimes take a sharp turn. from being on a fairly forward road, suddenly coming into a turnpike that most likely came as abruptly as it left. while some sudden upheavals are welcome, some are more or less..feared..

fear..not sure its the entirely correct term to use..
hands shake, palms break in a sweats, and you hyperventilate.

things we fear, seems to always creep on us, doesn't it?
you scared of cockroaches?
bam, there'll be one on ur bed.

you scared of embarassing urself?
bam, u fall face flat whilst walking on stage.

if u fear, fear itself..bam!! out comes satan from hell itself.

point is..everybody fears, and anticipating its coming is what drives some people crazy.
drives some people into depression. drives some people into insomnia. some, to suicide.

the most common fear? I would have to put my money on one.

fear of change.

things change, people change, and perceptions change. and its these changes that some fear for their life, fear that they are inadequate to adjust to, and they break into pieces miserably way even before anything happens.

is u still in one piece mista?
shit..

ignorance is bliss.
true..

hope is overrated
arguable.

life is a dream.
probably..




ramblings, but its whats keeping me up and keeping me sane.
____________________________________________________________________

.

interesting year this is going to be.

Eton gemok sket

Sale,gadis gadis pergi shpng baju+kasut. Me?i go gadget hunting.lol~

there are such things as a happy ending.

hello there,

so hey, its been a while since i dropped a few words..its been a tough hella past few months...and it hopefully ends tomorrow (and hopefully continue on a year from tomorrow..*crosses fingers*)

so, what has been up lately huh? wat has been up eh..well, a lot actually, there was this and that, and oh, that too...but most have been over for a while, so i dont think its worth mentioning here...

so, since i know that some of my office buddies could be reading this (God knows where they got the URL, now i cant critic about work so much), id tease them on random pictures of the workplace..im sure they'd love to see their faces on the net..

makes u feel famous kan? lol~

so, here goes..




















farewell for us trainees, opening speech, onlookers with hungry faces..




















"wuu, kek...."




















rakan2 engineer...yang pakai baju canterbury tu single, tgh mencari, jika anda rasa diri anda perempuan, chinese look@pan asian look, sile lah contact die..syah@trisys.com.my (iklan berbayar)
















happy faces...and full ones..














sesi buka PO..time kasih banyak2 sebab bwk kitorang skali~

dan kita akhiri dengan skandal 2008...
















ps: id put more pics in, but most of em are crappy, Eton became victim of many, many untrained hands..(as if mine were any better.)

sincerely,
mrfusyi.

so, its the end huh?

thank you,..really... thank you very much....

*one liner, yeah, i hate it, but there's not more things i can say without sounding too emotional..so lets just keep this professional.

another note..

dear people,

terasa seperti hidup ini penuh dengan mimpi2..impian-impian yang entah dari mana datangnya..
aku dah beberapa kali mendapati diri lalai dibuai imaginasi..
ketika sebelum tidur..
ketika kerja...
ketika tengok tv (ya, aku mengelamun sambil menonton Friends..owh, aku rasa watak Joey patut menang oscar or something..ke dah ade?)
ketika memandu kereta..

its true...i space out a lot...
stare at ceilings..at people..at space...

hey, its almost like a hobby...kan kan kan?

wonder if i can put that in my frenster profile,
Male, 21, Its complicated,
loves to space out in public..and sometimes in the toilet too..

im sure that'll attract some interesting people huh?
(ya, aku tak punyai facebook, malas mahu update..myspace ada, tapi terbiar.......pedulikan)


____________________________________________________________________

kepada rakan2 seangkatan, yang kini berada di bawah naugan syarikat2 kejuruteraan..

to put it simply into easily understandable, uncomplicated words...


"Lets go get ourselves a good effin holiday dammit!!!"

aku sirius..betul...

tolonglah..tolong..

si perintih..

mrfusyi

collection of notes to people outhere

dear me,

lets start with a quote

yesterday was history, tomorrow mystery.. and today is a gift, that is why it is called present..

funny thing, it so makes sense, aside the fact that line came from a cartoon movie, i definitely think i can learn from it..

appreciating the now..

the what that we have
the who that we know

stop and smell the flowers..yeah, heard that like a bizillion times..but how far have we swooped down among the bushes for a wiff?

im in fifth gear always it seems..especially for the past couple of months..and i look forward for a chance to stick it into neutral for a bit..

____________________________________________________________________

dear people,

my sympathies to those who look forward to full filling their quota for 4 wives..

why?

lets just say i had a taste...i can categorize them mainly into four different attributes..
theres the always hungry bini,
theres the bowling pro bini,
theres the 'jalan2 sket ilang entah ke mana' bini,
and theres the 'senyum kejap, serious kejap tapi most of the time gelak2' bini,

good thing they get along well..and not become pro-wrestlers bini's..

and good thing im not stuck with them..

lol..

____________________________________________________________________
dear tubby,

i re-act the scene, for my laughter...

action!

"where's my shoe?"

"wa?"

"im effin serious, my shoe is missing!!" (padini style shoes that look like its seen better days)

"err, inside mebe?"

"nope.."

"somebody stole it prolly tubs..guess no taking the LRT home now huh?"*giggles*

the host kindly gave a new pair for the victim to wear, crocodile pula tu..

trade in padini for crocodile..that aint so bad now is it?

____________________________________________________________________

dear seorang.

chin up

pray...and have faith..

rest assured there will always be The Almighty to hear your prayers..

GodWilling.

___________________________________________________________________

dear reader,

im sori im such a lazy ass to update this..but inspiration eludes me these days..

thank goodness nobody is paying me to write, or they'd be pretty frustrated..

lol



sincerely signed..
mrfusyi

miniature

looks like a mini toy chinatown!!

kene tgk besar sket, kecik2 tak nampak..

nampak cam miniature..sket2..

ke tak?

tilt shift photography..interesting

its a dog eat dong world..and only the cunning survives

maafkan aku kalian, aku sudah biarkan arena di sini ketinggalan buat terlalu lama..
aku bilang aku agak selfish, mahu sahaja menjenguk blog rakan2 yang lain, mengharapkan update, tapi diri sendiri keberatan untuk mencoret..

apekah aku bz?

entah, aku rasa macam biasa sahaja hidup..mungkin ini dipanggil writers block..tapi aku bukan penulis, jadi aku rasa sesuai sahaja aku guna term, malas

pedulikan, mari menulis rakan2 jari..mari2..

______________________________________________________________________

politics, hate it or love it..

i came to terms, as i started off my internship program, that the company i shall be serving had "FUTURE" written all over it..after a month i was there, i felt at home, felt being useful and felt that i was doing something with my life.

I had visioned a future there..

that was then, now..

its apparent that there are internal politics that I am not able to overlook, however hard i tried..politics that causes some people to shoot up, and some good honest working people be pushed down the food chain. Politics that go beyond talking behind people's backs. Its this politics that has got me into a sudden change of heart, and makes one to reevaluate the options.

Politics..office politics are the worst of its kind..

I realize, that not everything in this world is achievable thru hard work. Sometimes u have to be able to lick some a*ses to get where u want to..good PR can get u places it seems, eventhough u slack work ethics, and have no output whatsoever..

its the illusion that ure doing work, that is what matters probably..and its a crying shame..

its also amazing how cunning some people are, even if they dont look it..
its a black book, with a floral cover..

id just like to get this done and over with, back to the sanctuary among my peers, and with people who dont have an agenda they'd kill over for..

where hard work actually gets u places, and being a good ass licker gets u no where..

one last year at least.

____________________________________________________________________

its not going anywhere if its still here after all these years..

but i dont want to look for another destination just yet, not just yet.
____________________________________________________________________

i need pictures in my blog, now wudnt that make it more interesting? ;p

ok...reevalution required...me thinks..

Ok, im seriously reevaluating my life's choices..seriously..

hectic week..spent a few days at an oil rig construction site doing system test..and heck..i dont understand how they ken stand the heat..i mustve been sweating a good half liter that day..
being in a construction zone means youd be wearing long sleeves throughout the day..in the blistering heat!!!

to make things a little bit more hard is the fact that the eng in charge is away..so the solution?
send in two trainees to do the testing (wtfish!!) with a temp engineer to not make it not so obvious two interns are running the operations..
















see that yellow platform in the distance..imagine walking to and fro every time u need to take a pee..(-_-")















upcoming platform still under construction, wont be able to tend to it since its scheduled after i finish my internship..*grins*















the selat in the distance..hauling almost 20kg worth of gear all the way up here can test any mans mettle..


its a wake up call on what being in the field really means in this profession..suddenly, the prospect of going back to studying doesnt seem so bad for now..:p

the plus side to this is the on site exp.hopefully comes in handy when i go job hunting soon..*crosses fingers*

hope they pay me extra for this..*grins*



i shud be writing this in my weekly report, instead here i am writing this here...(-_-")..
not productive..sooo not productive..

Monologue; its a reflection thing

after having some time being into this..how do we feel at the moment?
a future?
or an impending ending?

is this the position that we would like to see ourselves in? forever?
worth living, waking up to the same beat?
serves the purpose of our being?
worth the effort or not yielding hopeful results?
if not, keep at it or find another interest?

work, life and everything else, they share the same monologue..
yeah, asking..

to inquire oneself...

is a hobby of a hungry man too lazy to go out and eat..
and with weight of professional responsibilities massed on his inexperienced shoulders

Good luck with that..good luck

____________________________________________________________________

I have neither the courage to step forward, not the cowardice to back away, only desire to move forward.And that makes me a dreaming fool..

3 letter questions

monday is never a good day...
ANY day after a good holiday is never a good day..

~_~..mind at work at half awake..,and boss being away doesnt help neither..

i need my coffee...

anywys..

i have been thinking, and thinking (yes, i find thinking a thought provoking hobby ;p)
thinking about things..a lot of things...
thoughts are provoked by questions, and some questions are best left unaswered, leaves the whole thinking game a bit more mysterious..

for instance..take for example tadi, i was driving home, it was around 8 pm, pretty dark..no street lights..
then up ahead i cud see VAGUELY a couple of guys walking in the MIDDLE of right lane, wearing BLACK and one dude had SUNGLASSES on..
question?

obviously,

WTF?

ok, so its not a question, but shudve heard me say it..it SOUNDS like a question

another instance was on Saturday, woke up, read the paper, and saw what we won over our neighbours down south..

WTH!??

yeah, its another question..

i find myself having deep thoughts after such 3 letter questions..if has been following a lot of my monologued questions..
note: W can mean what or why..and for those who are under age, F is for Fish..not the other thing

WTH is my prime lens?
conclusion: POS Mala*sia steals from its good citizens

WTH do we want with a bunch of rocks in the middle of the sea?
conclusion: We have hight tech lab submersive making thing that we plan to use there

WTF is the tenet cut off at the opis?
conclusion: We are to become zombies at work, nothing more

a lot of WTH's and WTF's has been asked..and sometime the occasional HTH or HTF..

mind u though, the conclusions are after a very deep deep tot, and summed up as logical as my sometimes anger/delusional/unpicked brain can process..

i know random..but thats about all i can process these days..

____________________________________________________________________

as unwholesome as this entry is, i had a great weekend all the same.
mind of work=good=happy guy=happy eating=gain weight.. nice..

kaman2, cheer up!!!

the days are slow it seems..

i come to work,turn the lights on in the office (being the first one there), sit down and power up my workstation..
i kill time with a quick nap or some music (tenet been cut off, even in the mornings, for reasons i dont know myself)..

at 9 ill start doing some real work since thats the time most of the staff comes in anyways..nowadays things have started to pace down a bit, work meaning ill be in front of the computer all day, doing documents and papers that's needed to be delivered to client..

its booooooooooooooooooooooooooring, lemme tell you..ngaa

and no outlet to kill the boredom with..ngaaaa

i know ive been nagging for a good holiday, but taking leave from work seems to be impossible..with the alotted leave given to me being none, its a miracle how Mr T gets so many cuti..rili, its a miracle!!!
last i check, the amount of cuti left for me was -2 (read: negative)..yeah, thats how unfit i am to have a leave off work..

so, what do i have left to look forward?
weekends are all i have..sad, i know..so i plan to utilize them fully over the next few weeks..outings, jalan2..
ill go out alone if i have to..
yeah, thats how desperate i am to get my mind off work..

on another note, its nearing the summer holidays for our counterparts in the west, so with that said, we can expect a slew of movies hitting our shores within the next week or so..

im usually an action movie watching kinda guy, but this trailer just caught me as one of those movies u wouldnt want to miss out..







haha, i know, kids stuff, but i need a good laugh..i dont do serious, id like to be luvable..hahahahah

Eton is currently underutilized, which i hate...i shud be OUT THERE..not crammed into some office space all day!!
young, with barely enuf money to survive, and the passion be out there!!
how come those people on Travel & Living make it so easy?

doesnt make it any better when people around you start saying how much fun it is to go there and here, this pulau and that pulau..ngaaa..all i feel is envy, and its a deadly sin..

part time sinner, arent we all..

___________________________________________________________________

There are things that seems are just out of reach, and I cant help but sense that I have failed.

I promise a proper update for everything soon

things have really slowed down a bit here..

its not that i dont want to write..i do...i really do..

sometimes it seems i want to update a lot of things at once..

this blog..
flickr..
frenster..(kadang2..)
intern report..

and my life with its crucial relationships..

i like to be well informed, and well updated..however I have found myself sometimes just running away from it all when its just too much..
and yield nothing..

doesnt help that internet is now restricted at the workplace..(-_-")..not saying that i spend my quality working hours on the net doing blogs..its just that, i dont have the channel anymore to quickly jot down any spurious thoughts or inputs..
keep them for later?..not the same vibe...

owh well, mebe were not meant to occupy our mind other than the spreadsheets and documents at the desk..

that aside....

life goes on.


my photoshop is now open almost always when the comp is on.kunun2 i can just edit2 should i not be able to sleep at nite..sorta like a midnight activity i can indulge in to forcibly make me feel sleepy..

this is one i made yesterday night..



















a whole plethora of brushes..mind half awake..so be gentle on the comments..

____________________________________________________________________

Be the reason for my smiles? :)

needing a holiday..and work is starting to blow..

sori guys, ive been busy and i need a holiday..
aku terigin untuk bercuti...

cuti..argh..tak sangka susah pula mahu bercuti2..
keje tak abis2 memanggil..segan pula mahu minta cuti dari boss..;p
aku perlukan masa bertenang....a time where its just me, and endless fun..
di mana?
bila?
bersama sapa lagi?
wargh!!!
questions questions questions!!!

dan aku benci...
mengapa semua pulau jauh2? pulau2 untuk tourist i mean.
pulau tioman, pangkor dan seangkatan..
aku mahukan lautan biru, bukan lautan coklat!!!
aku mahu lihat corals seperti dalam movie, and meet nemo lookalikes..
bermain2 pasir yang tak dicemari dgn sampah2...
ngaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

and oh, id would love the opportunity to shoot beaches..nice ones..mebe with a couple of bikini models too..hahahaha *hidung berdarah* :8~

rakan2 sekalian, marilah kita ramai plan untuk ke destinasi..kemana2lah..asalkan bukan urban setting..aku sudah jemu lihat concrete..

plan sahaja, aku turut..aku mahu jadi pak turut kali ini..

ade cadangan? sile kemukakan di shoutbox...aku sedia mendengar...



dan kepada kaki2 tembak..

ape plan??

there goes my savings..

Rite...now no more for Eton...

rig rig rig rig rig rig rig rig..














rakan2, mari kita TT kalau kamu ingin cuba dan lihat..