This post shall be anchored here, for personal reasons, and for a reminder, that emotions is a dwindling road to travel, should there be any doubt on the subject matter, go on ahead, comment me. Old flames die hard, and this'll die harderst.
Originally posted in July 2008. scroll down to the next post for a more updated entry. thank you
Tonight, i open my emotions for you to read.
There a not many nights where I have found myself sleepless.
During the worst of things, I would wake up in mid sleep, heart racing, wishing some things are just nightmares I could wake up from.
not this time. This time its just too real.
Defeated, best describes what I am feeling inside.
How else would you feel, when all that you could ever wanted is now out of reach. When you so far have tried within your capacity to reach for it, and you yearn for it so much you could almost taste it, only to have it broken. When you tried for so long, and finally can muster up the courage to stand up, only to be told to sit down without question.
Without even a proper chance.
How should you take it when you have been standing here waiting in queue, only to know that you were never in line in the first place. To find that there is another queue, without your knowledge, that you are only what you have been doing, in queue to nothing.
I have never been the type who has his emotions on his sleeve, readily readable.But if i have to do this to make you realize, then let it be so. I'll try anything.
There has only been few reasons why there is a song in me, a reason for me to sing as horrible my voice may be. There has been a reason why there is an opera inside me. Now, every song I try to sing traces back to this uneasy feeling. You are every tune I hum, every song I sing, there is not doubt there.
Maybe i tried to hard to make people smile, to make you smile. But was I ever wrong in doing so?
If this thing follows on through, as one of my deepest fears, i cannot imagine ever coming over it.
Life is staring me right in the face and is blankly stating:
You have failed miserably, and there is nothing else you can do.
All I ever wanted was to be happy, to be the one who can provide your happiness.
No wind, no clouds, thunder strikes.
Years worth of relationship can end in three words. Three words is apparently all it takes. And those three words, with you and your voice saying it, will haunt me forever.
All i can hope is for a chance, for me to try and make things better. I am ready to care with all my capacity, with all that is human in me. Please, dont let this be a thing of the past for anyone. Please, make this into a future, make this something that is only waiting to happen.
If your qualm is in taking back your word, dont be. I am willing to bear any consequences, blame everything on me. Blame it on me, and take none for you. I will readily take the blame for you.
For once, i am on my knees.
Let me be the reason for your smiles.